Deconstructing Church

I may not be able to run any more. But I remember vividly when I did run, training for the Great North Run. I pushed myself so hard, but never seemed to reach my training goals. I got so fed up, frustrated, and probably got in my own way more than I helped myself. I managed the run (or run/walk!) but I do wonder if I could have been easier on myself. I also ran on a hip injury, which still troubles me to this day as a result.

How often do we scupper our own success? Objectively, despite living with Long Covid and struggling to stay awake more than eight hours a day, I am holding down some work, keeping my home mostly tidy and being as good a Mum and Wife to my family as I possibly can. For someone in my position, those things are massive. Yet nothing feels enough. I have more to give professionally, yet I have to recognise my limits. I have more to do in terms of decorating and house maintenance, but it will all have to wait. I have massive guilt about my absences within my family when I am asleep, resting or emotionally unavailable, but I trust in the love we have for eachother, the foundations already laid and the support networks we have. Rationally, I know all this. So why do I feel so lost and restless?

My faith promises me peace. Come to Jesus, lay your burdens at his feet and peace will be with you (I paraphrase). When I am wholly intentional in this pursuit, it works. I have been a student of mindfulness and mysticism for long enough now I get it and my brain is wired for it. Yet still I dwell on what I could have, what I could give, what I desire. Why do we do it to ourselves?

When nothing feels enough, I have to remember I AM. I am enough? What does enough even mean? By whose judgement. We are also told in the Bible God is the only judge. By their standard am I enough? Is what I do enough? Absolutely. I am their beloved child, they delight in me. They delight in me in the quiet times when I rest in their presence, I am enough in my stormy moments when I hold them far away. I am enough awake, asleep and that foggy in-between. I am more than enough. Everything is more than enough, because my life is lived as an act of worship to them.

When nothing feels enough, I just have to remember everything is worship. Then everything feels like the most purposeful, wonderful pursuit we could possibly have the honour of living.

Peace be with you.