So Many Levels of Grief

August 29, 2020

So Many Levels of Grief

Yeah, we always share the happy photos. This is not a happy one, and you know what, that’s ok too.

The blank stare. The puffy eyes. The pile of blankets and the listlessness. Grief and sadness are setting up camp for a while.

We’ve all lost so much through Covid-19. People, opportunities, livelihoods. Cracks have widened and things we could cope with before we just can’t now.

Loss underpins everything. We should be doing this. In another life we would have been doing that. Some day we may get to be that person again.

Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted – Matthew 5:4

Even if it takes time

Even if we’re all too tired and our efforts are less they could be

Even if we’re just too sad to recognise or receive it

God has it. God has us.

This week I made the decision for the benefit of my own mental health that I could no longer balance trying to hold a place in an organised church community with deeply held convictions that conflict with my own, against being an ally and advocate for those harmed by convictions such as those. I could no longer reconcile the tensions I lived with daily without it becoming toxic to me and others. More loss. More grief.

I await the comfort. The peace. Right now, it’s just sadness. But that’s ok. Because I have faith God’s promises are true and I know this is but another step on our journey together.

Promising new paths are already in sight ahead. My story isn’t over, far from it. I have no frame of reference anymore for what it will look like. But I will always recall the famous words of The Tapestry Poem, a favourite of Corrie Ten Boom, and know that while I may look up and see a mess, God looks down at Their art work and sees a thing of beauty. However tearful and snotty it may be at the time!

Peace be with you.

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Beatitudes; Grief; Loss; Deconstruction; Depression;

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Rebecca

I am a Music Therapist, Worship Leader and Theologian with The Ordinary Office, an online community for disabled and disenfranchised Christians. As a writer, seeker and learner, I have a special interest in music and spirituality, and I believe that Jesus’ message of love for one another supersedes religious rules and doctrines that harm. Focusing on inclusive and liberation theologies, through a lens of disability and trauma-informed approaches, I take my lived experiences and transform pain into action, living out God’s call upon my life as a ‘Twitter Mystic’ and ‘Prophetic Voice’ – although I just get on with calling things as I see them without the fancy labels, really. I hope you find something here which interests and challenges you. Feel free to contact me for discussion any time!

About Me

Hello, I’m Rebecca! I am a neurodivergent cishet woman living with Long Covid. I am a qualified and registered Music Therapist, and a Tutor. My specialist interests are faith, spirituality, music and social justice (including safeguarding). I write when I feel like it and have the ‘spoons’. I co-lead the online faith community The Ordinary Office, and write for various blogs, books and resources as required.

Deconstructing Church